a magnifying glass to my heart

i’ve spent the last year and a half in love with someone who i thought loved me. i was completely blinded by love. after every fight, every mess up, i couldn’t figure out why i didn’t hate him yet. he put me through so much and made me think i was the one who was wrong, even to the point where i didn’t feel like enough for him. i was brainwashed. i didn’t listen to what anyone was telling me. i couldn’t share my feelings with my friends because i knew exactly what they would say. i hated so many people because of him. before then i didn’t hate ONE PERSON. its sad. it messed with my head so much. even though i “had” him i was still alone.

it even fucked with my self esteem. isn’t being with someone suppose to make it better? aren’t they suppose to tell you your beautiful? well the way he treated me made me feel like the ugliest girl walking in the halls. like i wasnt enough, i wasn’t “hot” i was just the girl he loved. there were days where i didn’t sleep more then a few hours just because of the thought of him with another girl. i could never understand how he could “love” me but do the things he did. he let me blame myself for his actions without even saying it. he brought out sides of me ive never seen before. and i don’t mean that in a good way. i was so wrapped up in hoping things would get better and we could just be happy and in love but i was living in a dream world. i hoped and it never came. i don’t think we were ever mature enough for the amount that we loved each other. there was alot of amazing times we had together but then their comes a point where you have to realize that the bad definitely out weights the good.

now when i see him i just think “and i love him? why? he doesn’t care about me.” and then its all okay because i’m done surrounding myself with someone who doesn’t actually care. i don’t need that. no one does. so he can get with any girl he wants, at the end of the day, he’s going to be as lonely as ever and still be the shitty person he is. i’m a better person when i’m not with him so, at the end of my day, ill be able to smile and say i love MY life. thats a great feeling.